Joy Remembered

I remember sitting on the cold tile floor that chilly January morning. I was alone in the church bathroom and could still vaguely hear the pastor preaching His morning message. I had been too distracted to listen and had slipped out the back quietly. Now I sat, staring through blurry eyes at my feet, as tears ran down my cheeks.

It had been a long three weeks.

During Christmas break, I had gone with my church youth group on a winter retreat in the mountains of Colorado. It was during that weekend, that I had admitted to a leader that I had been pretending for years, but that I wasn’t really a Christian.

The weeks that followed would best be described by my mom as, “a war over my soul.” I was a wreck. My mom and I would talk for hours each night about God’s plan of salvation through Jesus. But my struggle wasn’t that I doubted Jesus’ death or resurrection, I just didn’t think I needed it. I was a well-behaved kid who wasn’t sure I really needed “saving.” And yet, I was in a dilemma because I also believed in hell and was sure that I was headed there after I died. I wrestled with the Lord for weeks. My stubbornness wouldn’t allow me to simply roll over and change my views easily and I would cry out,

“I just can’t believe something that I don’t believe!”

But that day on the bathroom floor, I was keenly aware of my brokenness and knew I needed help outside of myself. I was exhausted and in tears. I was done fighting and I asked God some simple questions. I remember spreading my hands out, palms up, and asking,

“God, can you just save me? Can you just do the work? I give up. I can’t figure all of this out on my own. But I do know that Jesus died for my sins and rose again and I want to be your child, follow you, and spend eternity together.”

It wasn’t eloquent, but it was genuine. God in his mercy answered my prayers. He indeed did the work and He saved me that day.

On the drive home from church, I remember looking out the car window and seeing the sun reflecting off of a building in the distance. I glanced over at my mom and said, “Everything just seems, brighter.” I wasn’t talking figuratively, it literally felt sunnier and brighter that day! The wrestling was over and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was now God’s child.

There was a joy and happiness in those next few months that I had never experienced before. I wanted to tell everyone about Jesus. Now with the Spirit within me, all of the Bible verses that I had memorized when I was younger started to make sense and even apply to my life! All the sudden, the Sunday morning messages became a lot more interesting! My sister sent me a Bible study on the book of James and I devoured it. I memorized the first chapter within weeks. My priorities began to shift, instead of pursuing a higher level soccer team, I cut back, so that I could attend church more often. I started reading Christian books and missionary biographies. God had saved me and I was so relieved and thankful. I was seeing life in a whole new way and the joy over my salvation was tangible.

I wish I could say that I’ve experienced that same level of joy throughout my Christian life. I’d love to be able to say that I never got over the miracle of my salvation.

But I can’t.

Quite often, it has felt like I’ve had to fight for joy on this journey and have come out on the losing end. I found that in seasons of hardship, it was much easier to memorize James one, than to actually live it out. Considering it “pure joy” (James 1:2) when I have faced trials hasn't been my norm!

Perhaps, that is why I have found so much comfort that the, “man after God’s own heart,” had found himself in a similar place. In a low time in his life, David asked God, “Restore to me the joy of your salvation” (Psalm 51:12). For something to need to be restored it has to have been damaged, lost, or broken. It seems that David is experiencing a diminished or lost joy and is longing for it be brought back. It's helpful for me to know that I’m not alone in my longing to experience that first joy that accompanied my salvation! Perhaps, you’ve had this desire as well.

I love that David appeals to the Source of all joy for help. He knows that he can’t muster it up on his own. He can’t even have an eternal perspective on life’s difficulties without God’s help. I’m the same way. I can’t just wake up one day and decide to be a more joyful person. I need God’s help! I think that following David’s example is a good place to start. When I am struggling to find joy in my salvation and a happiness in God, I can ask Him to do the work of restoration.

I can also continually remind myself of the work that God did when He first saved me. Throughout the Bible, we see God call His people to direct their hearts and minds backwards. He wants us to remember the good work He has already accomplished on our behalf. Truly, there is power in remembering! God’s power flows to us, through joy remembered - faithfulness remembered – and His steadfast loved remembered.

Believer, if you are in a season where you are struggling to have joy, you aren’t alone! While there may be more to explore with the Lord over the reasons (both known and unknown), leaning into Him and talking about it, is a great way to begin. God desires for us to come to Him with our needs. He delights to answer our prayers for more joy, both in and through Him. 

Lastly, I challenge you this week to remember the joy of your salvation by sharing your story with a family member, friend, roommate, or co-worker. For me, writing it out gave me so much perspective and gratitude to the One who accomplished it all! May God restore some of our lost joy this week through joy remembered!

Photo by Fuu J on Unsplash